Repost: An Old Joke ☺

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you
that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you
for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the
last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't
even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in two minutes, and went
straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love
me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband
and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband


P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER
and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great
life!




Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married
for seven years, although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut
last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a
girl!' Since my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned
away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and
I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got
home you were gone. Everything happens
for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said that the
letter you wrote ensures you won't get
a dime from me. So take care.


Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you
this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem.

Repost: The Wife 😁

A man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout, "U crazy nut, when I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave, come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared her. They believed she practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68. Her husband had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" > > The man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down......." 

Repost: 9 Words Women Use 😁

(1)  Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
 
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
 
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Repost: Coincidence 😁

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence "says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence".

Repost: Email ☺

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.   The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

-----------------------------------------------------------

To: My Loving Wife,

Subject: I've Reached
Date: 21 September 2016,

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They  give computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Love,
Your Hubby.

Repost: This could happen to you

 I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the next toilet saying: 
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 

'I am Doing' just fine!' 

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: Uhhh, I'm like you, nature dictates!' 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can, but nature hadn’t let go as yet, when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' 

 

 

Gosh Whaaaat!, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I say …
'No…. you know I am busy right now, I guess you are busy too!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously....

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next toilet who keeps answering all my questions.' 

Mobile phones, don't you just love them?

Repost: Why guys like a bad girl?

1. A guy has way more leeway with a bad girl: If he has an extensive romantic past, no problem…so does she. If he has a few too many drinks with his buddies and accidentally gets arrested, it's okay — the same thing has happened to her.

2. There really aren't a whole lot of panties being worn.

3. Guys are absolutely certain that all bad girls are amazing in bed. And even if one isn't, the guy is so certain that all bad girls are amazing in bed that he convinces himself that she is.

4. A bad girl would never complain about a woefully ill-advised tattoo a guy gets when he's seriously wasted, because she's the one who makes him get it.

5. Bad girls typically wear sexier shoes.

6. If she's a bad girl, that means she has a bunch of bad-girl friends — which also means the guy's friends will buy him drinks all night as long as he introduces them.

Repost: Why Men Are Never Depressed ☺

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

Repost: 101 Physical Things That Can Be Reduced In Your Home

As the title suggests ~ this list is not mine. Been reading a lot about minimalist as well as frugal living. Getting inspired from what I read and thought to share about them here. I got this list from here.

1. Glassware
2. Cookbooks
3. Kitchen gadgets
4. Kitchen appliances
5. Pots / pans
6. Mixing bowls
7. Tupperware
8. Water pitchers
9. Magazines
10. Newspapers
11. Books
12. Over-the-counter medicine
13. Make-up
14. Barretts / hair clips / ponytail holders
15. Cleaning supplies
16. Personal beauty appliances (hair dryer/curlers, electric razors)
17. Bottles of shampoo/conditioner
18. Photos
19. Photography supplies
20. Sewing supplies
21. Craft supplies
22. Scrap-booking supplies
23. CD’s
24. DVD’s
25. Decorative items
26. Candles
27. Figurines
28. Crystal
29. Vases
30. Audio/visual components
31. Audio/visual cables
32. Computer equipment
33. MP3 players
34. Furniture
35. Video game systems
36. Vdeo games
37. Video game accessories
38. Shirts / shorts
39. Pants
40. Coats
41. Dresses
42. Hats
43. Clothes hangers
44. Shoes
45. Winter gear
46. Jewelry
47. Purses
48. Coins
49. Pillows
50. Towels
51. Linen sets
52. Candle Holders
53. Televisions
54. Items on your bulletin board
55. Magnets
56. Artwork
57. Mirrors
58. Home office supplies
59. Pens/pencils
60. Old batteries
61. Tools
62. Hardware
63. Rolls of duct tape
64. Coolers
65. Manuals
66. Phone books
67. Coupons
68. Sporting good supplies
69. Sports memorabilia
70. Aluminum cans
71. Glass bottles
72. Automobile fluids
73. Automobiles
74. Scrap pieces of lumber
75. Brooms
76. Rakes
77. Shovels
78. Garden tools
79. Plant containers
80. Empty cardboard boxes
81. Board games
82. Puzzles
83. Decks of cards
84. Unused wedding gifts
85. Baby clothes
86. Baby supplies
87. Old schoolbooks/papers
88. Army men
89. Bath toys
90. Toy balls
91. Toy cars/trucks
92. Toy musical instruments
93. Stuffed animals
94. Plastic toys
95. Childrens’ old school papers
96. Suitcases
97. Soda
98. Alcohol
99. Processed foods
100. Christmas / seasonal decorations
101. Cable channels

Go ahead. Give it a shot. You’ve got nothing to lose.

GEORGE CARLIN's Message

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

    A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

                        George Carlin

Got this message around 5 to 6 years ago.

Repost: Etiquette Lesson: Is it appropriate to ask a couple “Why don’t you have kids yet?”

Written by: Ingrid Nieto and worth sharing.
Good day everyone!

Sure, this question can be masked with “concern” but really, their decision to have kids is none of anyone’s business. This is a common embarrassing question in Filipino social gatherings and I have seen how couples at the receiving end of the question squirm uncomfortably. See, the couple may actually want kids but may have some challenges reproducing. It isn’t their fault that they are experiencing that. Why add insult to injury by asking them a sensitive question?
On the other side of the spectrum, the couple may have that mutual decision not to have children. Again, their reasons are none of anyone’s business. Do not take it against them for it is their choice. Before anyone considers asking this question, I think it’s wise to consider:

• Why must I ask this question? What is my motive?
• Am I friends with the couple? Do they consider me as someone they can trust? – Personal questions like our example above may be alright for people the couple trusts. Don’t just blurt this out when you meet them for the first time or if your friendship hasn’t deepened just yet. Chances are, if the couple grows to trust you, they will mention it without you having to ask.
• Will it directly affect me if I don’t get the answer to the question? Am I “concerned” or just curious?

This may seem like a common question that’s thrown around but it pays to be mindful of how the other party would feel. Remember that courtesy is appreciated by a lot of people–it makes them want to continue talking to you or listen to what you have to say.